You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
