Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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