There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
