We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
