I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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