thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She announced her abortion via fbk
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
