I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
