as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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