I accidentally had phone sex last night
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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