every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it was like eating out sand paper
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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