last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My vagina just recognized that song.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Someone signed my nipple.
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