ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
