I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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