guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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