No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
