my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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