this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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