Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
