He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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