Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
