oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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