so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
