On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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