the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
