T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
