fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
