I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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