Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
