It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
