there's paper in my vomit.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
