During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
