his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
