what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
