It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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