I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
