I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
