so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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