We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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