i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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