There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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