They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
