"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Text me some of your sweat
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
