I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
