Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
