Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
