We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
