I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
