Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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