the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
