every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
