I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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