I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
